I really don't know how I am already 33 weeks.
I often find myself walking into the spare bedroom (messy laundry room)
and wondering what this summer will bring. Needless to say we have
definitely been "hanging in there."
30 weeks
This was a particularly tough weekend. I hit
panic mode toward the end of this week and my body completely shut down.
Every single body part started to ache so I decided to finally call the
doctor. The nurse recommended that I go home and count kicks. Once
I got home from school I decided it was just a long week and everything would
be just fine. I ended up going in to work at Gap. It definitely
helped take my mind of things. But I also hit pure exhaustion.
On Saturday, we had friends coming into town and I
spent the day cleaning with my mom. We haven't done a single thing to
prepare for this baby. I haven't been nesting like a normal mom does.
While cleaning we were able to locate bottles, a boppy pillow, and a few
other materials. Once we found those items, it was too much and I
couldn't do anymore. I told my mom to put them in a bin and I had to stop
helping. You can probably tell that I am still in complete denial of a
baby being at home with us. One of my biggest fears is undoing anything
in this house. Looking back, we did so
much prep work before Halle arrived. I
will probably regret avoiding everything but the emotions are still so raw that
I can’t even go there.
That night I realized I didn't feel the baby kick
once. I ended up calling both doctors and found out neither one was on
call. My mind completely shut down. Cole wanted to take me in, but
I refused. I didn't want to see a new doctor and I wanted to talk to
someone that knew me. I felt like every emotion I have ever felt hit its
absolutely peak. Not only were my hormones raging but I also wanted
everything to be over.
The doctor was nice on the phone but I was so
emotional the only words I could get out were, "I just want to know if my
baby is alive or if I am going to have a stillbirth." Looking back
it was absolutely terrible... I was shaking and scared and the doctor
responded by saying, "I hate to hear you talk so morbidity about your
baby." Who was this guy? He
didn't know my exact situation or me. I have been through a lot and unfortunately
I know families that have been through upsets. Am I really crazy? I have to believe there are moms out there
that would ask the same thing. I am so
glad that weekend is over. It was tough to stay in control and calm about
everything that was happening. I realize now how selfish I was being.
I need to take care of the baby and myself and if that means going in to
the hospital for another check up, that is what we will do.
31 weeks
We had our big Children's appointment last week.
After such a rough weekend I was praying that maybe we would hear some
good news. Dr. D said the baby (at this
time) is not a true Hypoplastic Left Heart. The left side is still
functioning (there is some blood flow) so he called it, Hypoplasia of the Left
Heart. Now, all you nurses and medical people know exactly what that
means. From my understanding that is somewhat good news. We will still
have surgeries (unknown how many) and several weeks of being in the hospital.
Of course Dr. D had to end the appointment with,
however we have never seen a baby exactly like yours. Meaning our baby
has a heart issue, small/short bones, and a balance translocation of
chromosomes 13 and 14. We will keep praying and stay positive. :)
We have a unique little one. If I have learned anything over the years, I know
there is not one child alike.
32 weeks
We saw Dr. B on Monday at the Women's Hospital.
Unfortunately, we do have some bad news. The baby is measuring at
the 9%. She is weighing around 2 lbs and is the length of a
football. The environment looks good,
which is basically everything surrounding the baby. As long as she
continues to do well in the environment she gets to stay with me. However, if things start to change we will
have to have surgery right away. So from
now on we see Dr. B every Tuesday for a biophysical profile and on Friday I see
Dr. K for a non stress test.
Some of you may think I am crazy, going on like
everything is fine. But it will be ok. We will get through this.
We appreciate all the prayers and know that everything will be ok.
Now some exciting stuff...
We finally decided on a name! Her name is
Graycen Cole Sharon. It feels good to have a name for her. I needed
it so desperately. I feel like this pregnancy has been robbed by doctor’s
appointments and worrying. She is real and will soon be here to meet the
world. There is no denying that I am getting bigger by the week. I
still have a hard time saying her name. I actually have a friend that
continues to say her name to me when we talk. I'm so glad because I need it.
I have lived in fear for 33 weeks. Often, I refer to the baby as
"she" or "the baby." I don't know if not having a
name made everything fake. But because of Halle I know she is real and
already here. I am helping her breathe and grow every single day.
She will persevere through this. If she is anything like me, I know
she won't give up and will be a fighter. Maybe even talk back and be a
little too opinionated at times. If that is the case, she takes after
Cole completely.
