Tuesday, May 21, 2013

37 weeks

The past few weeks continue to fly by as I become extremely sore and puffy at the end of each day.  I know every pregnant woman probably feels this way but things are just different after Halle.  My muscles feel weak and I am not able to workout like I did before.  I also think the emotional roller coaster makes me ready for a break.

I still haven't been nesting.  I often find myself still sitting in her room.  I create piles in there because it feels safe.  If I get it ready that means Graycen is coming and with that so many other trials will be here at the same time.  I am starting to put things in there for Graycen like; Halle's old toys, blankets, and new items.  Halle loves to go in there whenever the door is open and picks up everything.  Sometimes she will say baby but she still doesn't really understand that a baby is really coming.

Cole has taken on the role of nesting and is taking on projects all over the house.  We had a few problems with our windows so Cole tore them out and put up some amazing frames in all of the back windows of the house.  Then, he decided that our fireplace needed to be replaced.  Keep in mind I was happy with the current one and it is only four years old.  We are now going on week two with our main area of the house torn up.  I will say that he is working quickly, but technically I could have this baby any day.  Not to mention we have a 20 month old walking all over the house.  Cole does amazing work but I feel like this nesting thing could have happened weeks ago.

Over the past 3 weeks Graycen has been busy growing.  She gained 2 whole pounds, weighing in at 4.2 pounds!  I feel great about the weight but Dr. B says she is still small and the bones and chromosomes are a concern.  As far as the environment goes, everything still looks good.  Every week we go in for ultrasounds and non stress tests.  I am an expert at drinking cold drinks and eating sugary snacks to let Graycen know its showtime.   
I admitted to Dr. B last week that I just wanted to be done.  I felt terrible for saying it because I know I'm lucky to still be carrying Graycen.  Every morning I wake up tight and sore and I wonder how I will make it another day of teaching little ones.  I know I am looking bigger and things are no longer cute on me.  I feel large and in charge.

Last week we were also able to meet with Graycen's heart surgeon.  I had a lot of emotions going into the appointment.  I was told it was a heart care conference and a couple different doctors would be there plus a few other people.  I prepared myself for an intense meeting with doctors who would develop a plan for the baby and I.  When Cole and I arrived at the appointment we were told we would only meet with Dr. H the surgeon.  Tears came down my face as I tried to explain to the coordinator of the meeting what I thought this meeting was going to be like.  She apologized repeatedly and explained why they were no longer coming.  In my mind I feel like the more people involved the better.  I want everyone on the same page of our plan and I want an understanding of what their role will be.  Dr. H was incredibly nice and explained to us that he might be able to save the left side of the heart by putting a patch between the left and right ventricle.  He would also need to do some work on the aorta.  This surgery will happen between day 2 and 10 of Graycen's life.  However, they will perform another heart echo when Graycen is born.  I posted a couple months ago 3 surgeries Graycen would need.  We may be able to avoid those surgeries however, it is still to early to know for sure what will be done.  
After our meeting with Dr. H we were taken on a tour of the NICU and PICU.  That is when reality hit.  In a few weeks we will no longer dream about what is to come or what could happen with Graycen.  Mindy, our tour guide, explained where we will park, eat and possibly sleep over the next few weeks.  I remember her showing us how to get to both places but it was so hard to take it all in.  A mother or family member never want to go here. Especially, when you appear to be a normal pregnant women and then everyone stares at you because they know why you are there.

The NICU and PICU were so quiet.  My heart was beating so fast as we walked slowly into the wings.  Mindy began whispering as nurses walked past us squirting sanitizer into their hands.  As I made eye contact with each of them I wondered which one Graycen will meet.  They knew exactly why I was there and my throat began to close up wondering if I should say something.  We walked slowly past each room and the rooms were so dim, quiet and smaller than what I thought.  I looked in one room and my body went numb.  There was a tiny little baby hooked up to so many machines.  She laid there on her side facing us.  I saw her tummy move up and down as her tiny little fingers lay on the bedding.  She was so still, so incredibly innocent.  I couldn't take another step.  Life seemed so surreal during that moment.  Part of me wanted to walk right up to her and give her so much love and tell her she is perfect in every way.

The next room was even harder to walk past.  There was another extremely tiny baby but on the side of the machine was a heart hero cape.  My heart stopped as I starred into his room.  This was going to be us soon.

Today we had another appointment and things look good!  We will continue to go in and wait until Graycen is ready to meet the world.  We will make sure to update everyone as much as possible as Graycen's journey begins in just a few short weeks.