Friday, July 5, 2013

June 4, 2013 Graycen meets the world

Written on June 11th

I know it has been weeks since Graycen was born.  I have been avoiding writing down my thoughts since she arrived.  Once in a while I get them out to Cole but it is only a sentence or two before I begin to cry.  He is wonderful at reassuring me that he is having the same exact thoughts.

I will try to start at the beginning of what happened on Tuesday, June 4th.  It is a day that changed our lives forever and I will absolutely never forget it.

We checked in at 10:30 that morning.  As we walked into the room, there was a team of nurses ready to get started.  A few family and friends came in to visit us as the nurses hooked me up to machines and asked me a series of questions.  I was feeling ok during this time.  My mom of course shed lots of tears and I reassured her that everything was going to be just fine.  The morning felt like it flew by as they checked me in and took me into the dreaded surgery room.  I remember that room from my past DNCs.  Everything is white and it is absolutely freezing.  Time always moves slow as you lay there lifeless on the table.  I have lost 3 babies and it always feels like a little piece of your heart is torn out as you leave the surgery room.

As the team of nurses moved me to the edge of the bed my gut told me something was going to be really wrong with Graycen.  The medicine kicked in relatively fast as I laid still on the table.  Dr. K and Dr. B started to cut me open right away and pulled Graycen out within minutes.  We heard nothing as Cole told me Dr. K's face turned white.  Dr. B grabbed her instantly and wrapped her in a blanket.  All I was able to see was her face and then she was gone.  My heart dropped as I told Cole to go see what was happening.  The nurses crowded Graycen and began working quickly.  Cole said all he could see was the nurses hands working quickly and whispering back and forth.  Cole asked if she had 10 fingers and toes and the nurses response was, "she has fingers and toes."  Right there I just knew our worst nightmare was happening.  Cole sat by my side which felt like forever.  Everyone was quiet and no one was really talking.  The anasteologist was trying so hard to keep me calm.  I felt sick so he continued to pump drugs into me to calm my stomach.  He tried so hard to keep my mind engaged but I was quickly trailing off.

Once Dr. K and Dr. B finished, Cole pulled Dr. K off to the side to find out more.  As he reported back to me his voice was shaky as he started to cry.  "She has some things going on."
They were able to take me upstairs to the NICU before they took Graycen to Children's Hospital.  I was so out of it from the medicine all I remember is the NICU being dark and quiet and there were nurses everywhere.  They let me hold her and that was when I got my first glance at my perfect daughter.
She had 11 fingers that were long and beautiful.  Her legs were misshapen,  they were curved in spots that should probably be straight. A few of her toes were longer and connected in some spots.  Her head was shaped different and she had some extra skin on the back of her neck.  As for her ears they were tilted and set a little lower than normal.
But to me Graycen was absolutely without a doubt perfection.
She was the most beautiful baby, just like my little Halle bear.
She was quiet and all I wanted to do was hold her.  We were able to take a few photos but then it felt like she was ripped right from my arms.


When I arrived to my room I laid very still as the medicine churned in my stomach and started to come back up.  Family and friends wanted to come in.  I smiled and said hi acting like everything was fine.  At this point there wasn't a name for what Graycen had.  I still had hope that she just had some physical stuff going on and nothing more.

By the time 9pm came around Dr. S, a gentistist from Children's called me.  I felt like this is when the nightmare started.  She told me that she thought Graycen had Smith Lemli Opitz.  She was about 75% sure but she still needed to do a test to be positive.  At this point Cole was already at Children's so he wasn't able to hear the conversation with Dr. S.  I of course googled the syndrome and became so terrified that I turned my phone off.

That night was the longest night ever in the hospital. I texted Cole a few times but I was really hoping he was sleeping.  When we were able to talk in the morning Cole attempted to finds words to talk but all he could say was, "She's sick.  There is something really wrong.  I am just so scared."  He mentioned  he didn't feel connected and that was something I knew would happen.  I already felt attached to Graycen.  I felt like I helped her grow for 9 months and knew everything I already needed to know about her.

2 comments:

  1. I read your blog with tears and just think how in awe I am of your family. You have no idea how much your strength inspires those who read this.

    Your angel is so, so beautiful.

    Thinking and praying for you constantly.

    -Ashley Crawford

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  2. I never met her while she was here, but I was so honored to sing for the lovely Graycen & to touch her teensy hand and kiss her cheek as we celebrated her sweetness. What a precious, priceless gift you were given! My heart aches with yours. Jesus is very near to you, very gently leading you into your new normal. Thank you for posting, Lyndsey.

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