Friday, March 22, 2013

20-28 weeks

I can't believe how much time has passed since the last time I posted something.  I appreciate all the kind and thoughtful notes on Facebook, text messages, and phone calls.  I can't tell you how many times I have reread the messages and looked up verses in the bible to just get through a tough day.  I want you to know that they all mean something to us.

The past 8 weeks have been pretty blurry.  We haven't found out anything new, but it has been an emotional roller coaster.  Around 25 weeks we decided to get a second opinion and met with another fantastic doctor who is at the Women's Hospital.  Dr. B (who is our new doctor) saw the same things we have heard from everyone else.  He was also concerned about two bones measuring different in one leg measuring different.  He also could not see if the baby had fingers on each hand.  Now hearing this news can make anyone's heart drop, but that doesn't mean anything for sure.  He did one scan on a particular day that the baby may have just decided to leave her hands closed.  Dr. B was very open with us about some questions and gave us some great answers and also inspiration.  I cried at this appointment as usual.  I wanted him to disagree with everything we have heard.  But no, nothing had changed.  He continued to talk and I went blank again.  I have been doing this a lot lately where people are talking but all I hear is silence.  Then, the room becomes fuzzy and I begin to cry.  At the time, we  didn't know what to pray for, can we pray for a miracle, is it even possible?  Dr. B is clearly not a pastor but he did give us some comforting words and advice.

In the end, we could have stuck with Dr. S at the Creighton Medical Center but for personal reasons we chose Dr. B.  I will be forever grateful for all the support and time from Dr. S.  He truly is an amazing doctor and Cole and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to meet with him.

Now besides all this medical stuff Cole and I have gone through so much together.  We have definitely become closer and our marriage has become so much stronger.  Gosh, I never thought I would be able to say that.  We haven't even hit the peak of the mountain we are climbing but it is absolutely unreal where God can take you.  I am beginning to realize how it is so important to talk to each other.  The clam up method and saying everything is "fine" doesn't work.  My parents have watched Halle numerous times so that Cole and I can grab dinner together to just talk.  I don't know what we would do without them.

I will say that I dread the times I am alone.  The car rides to work have been extremely tough.  I must do my best thinking then.  Most days I pull into the school parking lot with tears streaming down my face.  I am so scared.  I feel so isolated while driving that my heart just breaks into pieces.  Dropping Halle off makes me wonder if I will have another little one to drop off in the fall.  Then, as I pass the Women's Hospital I wonder what will happen in a few months when I am there for a second time.

I am so scared for what lies ahead.  This is pregnancy #5... will there be more after this?  Can we even handle this one?  I feel like I have been "pregnant" for more than half of our marriage.  To make my thoughts a little more complex this is the easiest part of pregnancy #5.  I am currently 28 weeks pregnant and have an incredible daughter but I haven't even begun to know what pain lies ahead.  Will we be in the hospital for months or will we plan a funeral?  I'm so scared to know what either of these will feel like.  I don't know how I will be able to put her in a casket if that day comes.  I have dreams about it all the time.  Then, I think about what cognitive problems the baby may have.  I am terrified of this.  If she does live, will she ever be able to kick a ball?  Will she be able to attend school and read to her teacher?  Will she have that first date? Will she become incredibly opinionated and take on the world?  I know I need to be patient and wait but it can be difficult some days.  I am trying to remember to take each moment, each day, one at a time.

3 comments:

  1. Lynsey...Thank you for pouring out your thoughts and emotions. I'm sure this is not easy to put out there for the world to see, but therapeutic in its own way. I know I don't ask you about you and the baby often but I want you to know you are on my mind daily. I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you or don't care because I do. I tend to be an avoider when it comes to sad and stressful situations. I wish so badly there was something I could do or say to comfort you but I'm not sure I have that ability. I can't bring myself to ask you how you are doing because in the back of my mind I already know the answer. I can feel your fear and pain with each and every word. I'm not sure how to comfort you and make things better which kills me. Your faith and belief in god seems to be your foundation and strength through this all. I am jealous of your faith and hope to someday have a stronger relationship with god. I want you to know that I always want to be there for you but just don't know how to sometimes. I will continue to pray for you, the baby, and your entire family and hope for the best possible outcome. Please let me know if there is EVER ANYTHING I can do to help or support you in ANY way....cover your classroom, be a listener...maybe make you brownies ;) Thanks for the update! Love, Olivia :)

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  2. Lynsey, I don't really know where to begin, to even begin to understand half of what you are going through. I do know part of what you are feeling: the anger, the sadness, the dread, the waiting, the mixed emotions, the feeling that the floor is about the fall away under you, the ticking of the clock as you count away the days, hours, minutes of the torture you are going through, and the worst being the uncertainty: not knowing what is going to happen or what your future might hold. Afraid to hope or wish for the best, incase the worst happens. Scared to be alone. Sobbing on the drive to work. Laying awake at night.

    It's horrible. And I am so so sorry that you have to go through this. I don't know what advice I can give you, or what I can say to comfort you as you count the days in this purgatory. It's the worst kind of torture - not knowing if your baby will make it or not.

    I will say this: you are strong, Lynsey. And you will make it through this dark time in your life. Try to keep your chin up, and take it one day at a time. Keep praying - I have been praying for you since I heard, and will continue to. Keep writing in your blog. i started one when I find out, and writing about my feelings and the pregnancy really helped me organize my thoughts and emotions.

    I don't know if this will help you or not, but here is my pregnancy blog: http://birdsbeespumpkinseeds.blogspot.com/2011/07/scare.html

    My heart aches for what you and your family is going through right now. Stay strong, Lynsey.


    - Chelsea

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  3. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I am in awe of your spiritual strength. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

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