39 weeks, no more waiting...

Written June 3rd: (The night before she was born)

We are finally here... my school year ended and we were able to wrap up all projects in the house last week.

Tomorrow Cole and I will head to the hospital for my scheduled C section.  We have been waiting for this day for about 7 months.  In December, I wished for the time to pass to June just so we could find out what was going on, and now June is here.
We made it.
Looking back, every week that passed Cole and I were so excited to make it another week and now I just want the time to stop.

I feel like I have spent the last 3 months focusing on the heart defect and how we were going to go about fixing it.  I always knew the bones were short but in my eyes there are short and tall people.  I kept telling myself Graycen will grow at her own pace, when she is ready.  Just like I thought, every few weeks Dr. B would measure her and she continued to grow.  Then, last week I made the mistake of bringing up skeletal displasia.  We hadn't talked about it in weeks so I naturally ignored it.  It was easier that way to focus on something we could fix like the heart.  Dr. B looked at me and said those dreadful words, "It is a gray area Lynsey.  We can't be sure.  The bones have been consistently short."  I wanted to tell him he was wrong.  I have been so upset about this appointment.  We have so many tests and amazing doctors and no one can tell us a straight answer.  I have definitely hit a different grieving stage.

On Sunday, when we were in church and I knew it was going to be a tough hour.  The tears were just waiting to gush out but I tried so hard to hold them back all weekend.  Then, a girl (about 10 years old) came up to the front to be baptized.  I just lost it.  The tears just poured down my face.  All I could think about was maybe we will never get to see Graycen grow up or what if she is so severely handicap that she won't understand what a baptism is.

I have so many bad thoughts running through my head I feel ashamed to even post them.

Tonight, I put Halle to bed like I normally do.  We took a bath and then she went to Cole and gave him a kiss and said "night night."  As I read her a book I became so sad because I know I won't be home for a while.  I am going to miss bedtime and that special moment I get to spend with Halle every night as she looks at me with those big blue eyes and I give her a kiss.  She almost never makes a peep as I put her down.  Overall, she is such an easy baby to take care of.  Sure she has her moments but for the most part she absolutely loves bedtime.  Halle has no idea what happening and I feel like I am robbing her of our special time.  Tomorrow I know our lives will forever change, I am just not exactly sure how.