Sunday, February 24, 2013

11-15 Weeks


I didn't know so much could happen in this span of time.  Some of it is a little blurry but here is a little of what we went through during these few weeks.  

My Emotions
At the time the holidays were fast approaching so it seemed like every single test we did, the results were delayed by about 4-5 days.  Each day felt never ending and I was crumbling on the inside.  The littlest thing would set me off at home.  Poor Cole dealt with me constantly scrubbing the floor, wiping the counter tops, doing laundry, etc.  Nothing was good enough, the house always needed to be spotless.  In fact I didn't want anyone living in it.  I wanted control and everything needed to be "perfect."  

I was still going to work as usual and trying to live what appeared a normal life.  I enjoyed my job even more during this time.  Each day I stopped and looked at the little first grade faces that walked in the door.  What an amazing gift.  They were each God's gift.  So full of life, so happy, and not a care in the world.  They were perfect in my eyes.  It didn't matter what they were wearing, how fast they could read, or how many friends they had at recess.  I realized during this time that I truly loved my job.  That may sound crazy but this was my safe zone.  When I walked into school every morning I felt relieved.  I had a routine here and 22 little bodies that depended on me.  

Now my emotions well... I was falling apart on the inside and I felt so incredibly angry.  Why now?  Why us?  Why God?  Haven't we been through enough already?  Why did life seem so easy and perfect for everyone else.  There is that word perfect again... what does that even mean?  I guess our society portrays that as an "image" and it is what I desired as well.  Absolute Perfection.

Doctor Stuff
Dr. K referred us to another doctor at Creighton Alegent Hospital.  It was very intimidating walking into the hospital for our first visit with Dr. S.  You only go to the hospital if something is really wrong.  Something was going to be wrong, I could feel it in the pit of my stomach.  As we sat in the waiting room I felt so uncomfortable.  I didn't want to be there and our future was so unclear.  We waited our normal 30-45 minutes that felt like several hours.  When we finally made it back to meet Dr. S.  He confirmed everything and began to tell us our options.  I became so upset with the options...  Cole and I have always felt that once you hear that first heartbeat it is a baby.  It may be small but no matter what, there is no going back.  I didn't want to hear my options, I want to know how I can find out more and how can we help the baby.

Dr. S recommended that we do two different tests, one of them was the first trimester blood screen.  This test combines a maternal blood screening test with an ultrasound evaluation of the fetus to identify risk for chromosomal abnormalities like down syndrome, trisomy 18 and trisomy 21.  From my understanding this screen also helps identify other fetal abnormalities, such as cardiac disorders.
The second test he recommended was an amniocentesis.  This is where a narrow needle is inserted into my abdomen to remove a small sample of amniotic fluid.  The fluid is then sent to a lab for chromosome analysis either by FISH analysis or karyotyping. (I can now say that this test was no fun at all.  It was extremely uncomfortable and there is no numbing for this procedure.)

After our first visit we went home to digest all the information and to try and figure out what we wanted to do.  We ended up going back the next week for the first trimester blood screen.  To my surprise while we waited in the office Dr. K came into the waiting room to see how we were doing.  He is the most wonderful doctor I have ever met.  He brought our case up to other colleagues and then wanted to stop in the day before Thanksgiving to see how we were holding up.  I'll never forget what he told me, "Lynsey the worst part of this is not knowing anything.  Your mind is going to the worst place."  He sat there for a few minutes and just listened to us.  Tears streamed down my face.  I was so scared.  I felt like death was looking at me right in the face.

If we fast forward a few weeks we finally heard back about both tests and had a few more appointments and this is basically what we were faced with:
-The screen came back with negative results for Trisomy 18 and 21
-All chromosomes are present
-Chromosomes 13 and 14 appear to look a little different
-One copy of chromosome 13 is attached to 14
-All the long bones are measuring short
-The heart is not pumping blood like it should and is severely underdeveloped

We found out later that the chromosome issue is called a balance translocation.  Unfortunately there isn't a lot of cases exactly like ours reported so the doctors we have been in contact with do not have a definite answer of how this could turn out.  An option would be for Cole and I to have chromosome testing done to see if we are the carriers.  We chose to wait at this time since the testing would cost a substantial amount of money and was not necessary at this point in time.

I know that may sound crazy to some of you but after 4 appointments in 4 weeks we needed a mental break.  I didn't want to hear anything more about science and testing.  I just wanted to let God take over.  I wanted to get back to my life and be free of testing.

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